寻好男人记

世界上的好男人！！ 你都跑到哪儿去了？ 好男人， 不骗我， 我就不骗你 不隐瞒， 我也不隐瞒你什么 不花心， 我也不乱来 不到处调情，害我没面子 好男人， 如果我能够遇见你。 我把我的心交给你的时候，请好好照顾它。 我是脆弱的， 我是害怕的。 当我一次一次向你索取安全感时，请毫不犹豫地给我。 可是啊 好男人。 你在哪里？

true love, does it exist?

Is there such a thing as true love? Is it possible for a person to love another person wholeheartedly, unconditionally? Or is human nature tied to our primal instincts, in which case we are always genetically programmed to find the most beautiful, healthy, strongest among mates? maybe the ones who claimed to have found true love are just lucky. Because they just so happens to be the strongest, most beautiful, healthiest mate available in the block, therefore their mates could not find one that could replace them, therefore is so-called "loyal"? Come on, wake up people! There is no such thing as true love! no such thing as the one true soul mate! the stories about how you are two souls that are meant to find one another? HA! what a joke! More like two bodies meant to come together to produce stronger offspring! Why all the bitterness, you might ask. More like resignation. Yes I lost out on the genetic battle. I accepted the fact that I can not compete among these strong females with prominent sexual characteristics. Oh~ the sadness~ but alas! that is life! I hereby bow out gracefully, and submit to the life of a spinster. Contented with tending my garden and a few live stock.

i don't mind being alone

i never needed you. any of you.

i don't need anyone to like or love me.

From the book "Aleph"

here is a short passage from the book "Aleph" by Paulo Coelho:


"
i forgive the tears i was made to shed,
i forgive the pain and the disappointment,
i forgive the betrayals and the lies,
i forgive the slanders and intrigues,
i forgive the hatred and the persecution,
i forgive the blows that hurt me,
i forgive the wrecked dreams,
i forgive the stillborn hopes,
i forgive the hostility and jealousy,
i forgive the indifference and ill will,
i forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
i forgive the anger and the cruelty,
i forgive the neglect and the contempt,
i forgive the world and all its evils.

i also forgive myself. May the misfortunes of the past no longer weigh on my heart. Instead of pain and resentment, i choose understanding and compassion. Instead of grief, i choose forgetting. Instead of vengeance, i choose victory.

I will be capable of loving,regardless of whether i am loved in return,
of giving, even when i have nothing,
of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,
of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,
of drying my tears, even when i weep,
of believing, even when no one believes in me.
"

for those who feel demotivated sometimes and need kind words constantly.
For me, when i need reminding of.

mediocrity

The first weekend alone since coming back to Nottingham, Semenyih.
For three days, I stayed cooped up in my room. I am officially bored, restless, and fidgety.

I may not be a particularly active person, but having no activities at all might be taking its toll on me. I am going crazy!
Sitting in front of a laptop/computer all day is really not the thing for me. I need to move about. Walk around. See things. Work my hands and feet.

Maybe engineering might not be the thing for me. =(
I hate admitting this but, I think no matter what course I take I will say the same thing.

Lately I have started to dislike the word "course". So everything is just a course here. How stupid. And my parents are paying RM34K a year for a stupid "course".
Its just a "course". To me a "course" means learning or acquiring a skill, a technique.
Here i am learning a skill for RM34k with a bunch of people of my age. A fact which is now becoming particularly annoying to me.

who am i to want more.
who am i to be allowed to do what i want
who am i to be able to try what i thought right and to fail

who in this world and day are allowed the luxury of failing and climbing back up?
No, I am not allowed to fail.
I am not allowed to take paths that have the slightest possibility of failing.
No time to fail. No money to fail.
No, there is a freaking dead set path which i have to follow for the rest of my miserable life. Miserable because although i feel down i am not allowed to complain because "there are people out there less fortunate". Not allowed to self-doubt.

just a passing thought

Having too many choices will spoil a person. too much of a good thing you know?
Its good that nowadays we get to make our own choices on things. For example, the brand of shampoo, scent of shampoo, types of shampoo, price of shampoo just to name a few.
But it makes us a bit ungrateful and unappreciative of the things we have.
Everything we have right now we take for granted because we have never been without.

Would a person who nearly died of thirst ever take water for granted?

The thing is, having all the choices laid out in front of me made me very unhappy with the current choice i made, and future ones i will make.
I am unhappy that i chose what i'm doing now. I am unhappy that i chose to make my parents happy(which, come to think of it, might not be the case) while making myself unhappy. I am unhappy that i chose text book over nature, I am unhappy i chose money over adventure.
But who am I to be unhappy with this? There is a world out there where people do not even stand a chance for having a text book, let alone a choice to chose away with it.

We should look at what people lack and be grateful for things we have.

So what happens when there are no more less fortunate people? when one day, there ar no longer famine, war, drought etc etc.
Who then do we look for to feel grateful of what we have?

Will mankind finally be satisfied with what we have? Or is men always greedy?
Greed may be considered a sin, but it is with the desire to want something more, to want something better that keeps men going and improving, no?

...or so i thought

I have been wrong on many occasions. but never have I been more wrong about myself.

I always thought of myself as a nice and friendly person, but I am proven wrong. I realised I do not feel comfortable or have the need to approach new people and talk to them. Also, I also feel extremely shy around people, and as time goes by I no longer know what to say to strangers or people I am not so close with. And of course, I am beginning to not speak to people i used to be close with.

Besides that, I also thought myself to be a kind hearted person who would do anything to help those in need. Once again I am wrong. Once I saw a cat hurt on the road while i was driving. I've always thought when in such situations I would stop and help the cat to a vet or something. But I did not. I did what everybody did. I turned the other cheek and carried on driving.
And that is just one of such occasions that I feel least ashamed of pouring out.

I have always loved the idea of being in love, and the idea of love itself. I love love stories. I always thought i would be the person who would know what love is at first sight and that i would throw everything away for love. But right now i have no idea what love is or whether i have encountered it or not. I am starting to get the feeling I might marry just for convenience's sake and just to have a companion. That used to be a horrible thought and to think now I am going to have to be sucked in to this and not know what to do about it.

I also thought I would stay young and optimistic and enthusiastic forever, but look at this, a few years later I'm turning into a monotonous, boring and bored of life, bleak, pessimistic, unenthusiastic, weary of life and the people in mine. I seemed to have lost my spirit after going to this University called Nottingham and going to this company called Fairchild. I feel like for the first time in my life I have seen what people are really like, and how people can be like. And what I can be like. horrifying.

Note, i never thought of myself as a narcissistic person or self-absorbed, but I'm starting to feel that I am. Just look at how I'm going on about myself and that's the proof.