From the book "Aleph"

here is a short passage from the book "Aleph" by Paulo Coelho:


"
i forgive the tears i was made to shed,
i forgive the pain and the disappointment,
i forgive the betrayals and the lies,
i forgive the slanders and intrigues,
i forgive the hatred and the persecution,
i forgive the blows that hurt me,
i forgive the wrecked dreams,
i forgive the stillborn hopes,
i forgive the hostility and jealousy,
i forgive the indifference and ill will,
i forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
i forgive the anger and the cruelty,
i forgive the neglect and the contempt,
i forgive the world and all its evils.

i also forgive myself. May the misfortunes of the past no longer weigh on my heart. Instead of pain and resentment, i choose understanding and compassion. Instead of grief, i choose forgetting. Instead of vengeance, i choose victory.

I will be capable of loving,regardless of whether i am loved in return,
of giving, even when i have nothing,
of working happily, even in the midst of difficulties,
of holding out my hand, even when utterly alone and abandoned,
of drying my tears, even when i weep,
of believing, even when no one believes in me.
"

for those who feel demotivated sometimes and need kind words constantly.
For me, when i need reminding of.

mediocrity

The first weekend alone since coming back to Nottingham, Semenyih.
For three days, I stayed cooped up in my room. I am officially bored, restless, and fidgety.

I may not be a particularly active person, but having no activities at all might be taking its toll on me. I am going crazy!
Sitting in front of a laptop/computer all day is really not the thing for me. I need to move about. Walk around. See things. Work my hands and feet.

Maybe engineering might not be the thing for me. =(
I hate admitting this but, I think no matter what course I take I will say the same thing.

Lately I have started to dislike the word "course". So everything is just a course here. How stupid. And my parents are paying RM34K a year for a stupid "course".
Its just a "course". To me a "course" means learning or acquiring a skill, a technique.
Here i am learning a skill for RM34k with a bunch of people of my age. A fact which is now becoming particularly annoying to me.

who am i to want more.
who am i to be allowed to do what i want
who am i to be able to try what i thought right and to fail

who in this world and day are allowed the luxury of failing and climbing back up?
No, I am not allowed to fail.
I am not allowed to take paths that have the slightest possibility of failing.
No time to fail. No money to fail.
No, there is a freaking dead set path which i have to follow for the rest of my miserable life. Miserable because although i feel down i am not allowed to complain because "there are people out there less fortunate". Not allowed to self-doubt.

just a passing thought

Having too many choices will spoil a person. too much of a good thing you know?
Its good that nowadays we get to make our own choices on things. For example, the brand of shampoo, scent of shampoo, types of shampoo, price of shampoo just to name a few.
But it makes us a bit ungrateful and unappreciative of the things we have.
Everything we have right now we take for granted because we have never been without.

Would a person who nearly died of thirst ever take water for granted?

The thing is, having all the choices laid out in front of me made me very unhappy with the current choice i made, and future ones i will make.
I am unhappy that i chose what i'm doing now. I am unhappy that i chose to make my parents happy(which, come to think of it, might not be the case) while making myself unhappy. I am unhappy that i chose text book over nature, I am unhappy i chose money over adventure.
But who am I to be unhappy with this? There is a world out there where people do not even stand a chance for having a text book, let alone a choice to chose away with it.

We should look at what people lack and be grateful for things we have.

So what happens when there are no more less fortunate people? when one day, there ar no longer famine, war, drought etc etc.
Who then do we look for to feel grateful of what we have?

Will mankind finally be satisfied with what we have? Or is men always greedy?
Greed may be considered a sin, but it is with the desire to want something more, to want something better that keeps men going and improving, no?

...or so i thought

I have been wrong on many occasions. but never have I been more wrong about myself.

I always thought of myself as a nice and friendly person, but I am proven wrong. I realised I do not feel comfortable or have the need to approach new people and talk to them. Also, I also feel extremely shy around people, and as time goes by I no longer know what to say to strangers or people I am not so close with. And of course, I am beginning to not speak to people i used to be close with.

Besides that, I also thought myself to be a kind hearted person who would do anything to help those in need. Once again I am wrong. Once I saw a cat hurt on the road while i was driving. I've always thought when in such situations I would stop and help the cat to a vet or something. But I did not. I did what everybody did. I turned the other cheek and carried on driving.
And that is just one of such occasions that I feel least ashamed of pouring out.

I have always loved the idea of being in love, and the idea of love itself. I love love stories. I always thought i would be the person who would know what love is at first sight and that i would throw everything away for love. But right now i have no idea what love is or whether i have encountered it or not. I am starting to get the feeling I might marry just for convenience's sake and just to have a companion. That used to be a horrible thought and to think now I am going to have to be sucked in to this and not know what to do about it.

I also thought I would stay young and optimistic and enthusiastic forever, but look at this, a few years later I'm turning into a monotonous, boring and bored of life, bleak, pessimistic, unenthusiastic, weary of life and the people in mine. I seemed to have lost my spirit after going to this University called Nottingham and going to this company called Fairchild. I feel like for the first time in my life I have seen what people are really like, and how people can be like. And what I can be like. horrifying.

Note, i never thought of myself as a narcissistic person or self-absorbed, but I'm starting to feel that I am. Just look at how I'm going on about myself and that's the proof.

just in case...

just in case anyone's interested.... i'd really love an amazon kindle, regardless the type.

change

barrack obama's famous quote, other than the "Yes we can", is "change we can believe in".

Change doesn't always mean good things. Change can be for the better, but like everything else in the world, it goes both ways. Isn't it weird that everything in this world we live in always have good and bad sides? and i mean always. But i'll discuss that in another post.

Here's what i thought of while driving to work today( yeah it gets boring if you use the same route five days a week for 7weeks already), and i always thought about the environment since i like driving with my window winded down so i can enjoy the morning's cool breeze and fresh air. which i might add that always become horrible after i exit sungai ara, all the cars and busses and lorries you know. also, i realize how stupid (and selfish) penangites are, me included. almost every car i see has only one occupant, the freakin' driver. And they almost always come from the same source(housing areas) to the same end point the FIZs. SO WHY NOT CARPOOL?!?!? i been asking myself this same question over and over again, and the only lame excuse i been able to come up with is.. 'cuz i wanna leave a little later and come home a little earlier. but the silly thing is there are a lot of people working in the same company as me, and live around the area i live in, arrive and leave around the same time like me. SO WHY NOT????? the answer is, i don't know :( pathetic stupid hypocrite i am.

anyway i'm getting out of topic. the environment,yes. I was thinking, there's always these messages that urge people not to resist change, the only thing that will never change is change, and all the bull's crap. But at the same time, everyone is resisting the change our earth, our environment is experiencing. If change is unavoidable and necessary, why not just let it be and embrace it?

the global temperature is rising, the icebergs are melting, the ozone layer is thinning, animals becoming extinct, deforestation(ok that can be stopped but assholes just won't leave forests alone, can they?).

and yet, we just can't help it can we? we HAVE to stop the environment from changing. we change our ways to stop the environment from changing. eh?

age

the earth is around 4.54 billion years old.
the borneo rainforest is 130 million year old.
the amazon rainforest is ten million years old.
humans have only been around the earth for 200 000 years.

谢谢你的包容

很熟悉吧这句话

你对她说过，现在是我对你说了。很笨！

可是我是真心要跟你讲的。。我知道我是很烦，很难相处的人，我也很惊奇你竟然能忍这么久。我知道人的容忍度是有极限的，我也有试图不要这么烦人，可是没办法我就是这样，就因为这样所以我很怕你总有一天会发现我是一个没有用的人，不想在我身上浪费时间了。

没想到这一天，已经近在眼前，我知道的，我不笨。我也不怨你，你给我的已经超出我要的，谢谢你。

to those city people who are always so complicated.. I cannot understand you, and i am not interested in knowing the dark abyss of your mind.
i cannot believe there is such people, let alone so many!
Being with such people is so tiring..
they only talk to you and pretend to be friendly when they need you, and other times, they won't even look you in the eye. And worse, when you actually need help, lo and behold, they will go at any lengths to ignore you. Sometimes even treat you as invisible when you talk to them.

Its irritating, and i feel irritated at myself for not spotting them earlier. But how was i supposed to know? from where I came from, there is no such people.. and here, they're everywhere.

Malaysia

To all fellow Malaysians out there,

Stop looking for haven elsewhere in the world.
We have our own unique haven right here in Malaysia.
Beautiful beaches? We have Redang, Perhentian, Langkawi, Pangkor, etc

And you know what's the most special of all?
In the humble states of Sabah and Sarawak, though not particularly advanced, lies the Heart of Borneo, alongside with Indonesia and Brunei.
A place where, as claimed by WWF as the "only place in Southeast Asia where tropical rainforest can still be conserved on a grand scale."
A place, tagged as 'one of the most biologically diverse place on earth".

Right here.

the economy

Being a very ignorant girl, I did not know much about the global or local economy.
It never really was a problem, until i decided that i would like to, perhaps, get a little bit involved in share market. Since my dad do not generally have much luck in these games, I figured maybe i could try my luck seeing that I have luck.

Anyhow, it's really very confusing after i start reading these articles and news about experts' views and opinions and predictions.

One of the things that i observed through reading articles is, there are generally 3 groups of people. The people who are very optimistic about the economy, let's call them "optimus". every article from them starts with " the worst is behind us.."
the second group of people, are very pessimistic about the economy, let's call them "moaning myrtle". All they care about is the economy sinking to lower depths everyday, or predict that there will be an "all time low" this season.
The third group is undecided. It can be good or bad depending on XXX's decision or whatever.

so who should i listen to?! I really prefer "optimus" if you ask me.

new revelations of the week

I do not know about people elsewhere, but people here, they have a habit to call on those who have better results or are more studious, to have a low EQ. Well, at first its a mystery to me. I mean, how do you judge a person's EQ?? And then i realize its so easy to put a label on it precisely because there is no certain way to label it! Think about it, if no one is sure, isn't it easier for you to pass a judgement?
So why is it that people with self-proclaimed high EQ often refer to people different from them as low EQ?

Haven't you heard the song "colors of the wind" by Pocahontas? ...you think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew..."

So please, do not be so quick to pass judgement. Think about things and people in another perspective and you will find that there's just so much you didn't know.
And about being studious, i really do not see what's wrong with wanting good results. If you already chose to go to a University, then its really your responsibility to make use of all the resources and time available to complete your degree with good grades and fill your head with knowledge. Do not do it half-heartedly.
I know there's a lot of this propaganda on "young people should not go to University" or "you don't need a University degree to succeed."
Well just so you know, that's for people who haven't decide to go to University.

If you already decided that, yes you want to come to University to learn something, then FOR GOD'S SAKE DO IT PROPERLY!!!
Please, do not come to University and complain that there is more to life than just studying. If you really feel that there's more to life than just studying then it's really a better idea to do whatever you think feels right to you.

There really are a lot of ways to succeed. Don't pick the wrong path, and then diss the people who did pick the right path and go for it whole heartedly.

Money

What's your take on money. How important is money to you? and at what lengths would you go to get More Money?
What would you give to gain more money? your health? your family? your friends? your Love? everything?

getting good grades

Getting good grades does not mean you're guaranteed to have a job. But that doesn't mean you don't have to have good grades. With so many people applying for the same job, the first thing to impress your future employers is your Resume and your CV, not your shinning personality, that he/she will see later when they decide to call you up for a follow up interview.

Sure, Bill Gates do not need to go school, but hey, he studies! and works hard! i'm sure if he was to take an exam on software Programming he would get good grades too.
So, there you go.

homesick

I have always wondered why is it called "homesick". Does missing home makes you sick??

well, today i seem to have a whole new understanding on this term.
I was down with the flu this morning, but before that I was totally s.i.c.k. Cough and fever and body aches combo. and the worry that it might be dengue fever.
Anyway, i did not have much of an appetite but i know i have to eat something for dinner considering that i already skipped too much meals this past week.

And so there i was, wondering what to eat, wishing that i could have my mum or dad or grandma to cook me some porridge, a hot soup and some steamed vege(i shall not complain about my grandma's steamed vege anymore). And i started feeling extremely Lonely.
And i thought to myself, I will rather do all the housework my mum ask me to do, than be here all alone and no one cared. =(

so there you go, home sick. Its called homesick because the time you miss home the most is when you're sick. =( some daughter i am huh.

oh you stupid valentine

i hate valentines day!!!!!!

stupidity

Dear God,

I know I don't pray to you often enough. And whenever i pray i always have something to ask of you. Please forgive me.

God, please give me the wisdom to see who are the ones bringing unhappiness and sorrow to my life, and give me courage to leave them. I am tired of the tricks and vile lies of people. Of the materialism in the world of which i'm living in and can't seem to escape. For I'm part of this society and they forbid me to be different or i will be crushed.
There are some who claim to be different, who claim to be sincere and accepting. But, i have been disappointed again and again.

To those who refused to accept anyone or anything different from them. Those who insisted on everyone following their trends their taste their principles! To hell with you!
To those who refused to face the truth or tell the truth! Away with you!
To those who wear a mask to hide your black heart! your mask shall be torn down!

And to you who wish to destroy me, rest assure i will not.