randooom

so my lecturer was like "this is so simple! you're supposed to learn this in Alevel or foundation. what have you been doing last year?!"

and he was like"anyone who can answer this will get bonus 2 mark in the finals!"
and i know he's thinking"heh heh heh!"

Liar

i'm a liar
i lied..
i lied that i'm fine when i'm not
i lied that i happy but i'm not
i lied that everything's fine when it's not
i lied..

random thoughts

hiding behind a mask for too long

acting too convincingly

so much so..that even i confuse myself

who am i really? i don't know..

what is happiness? its a feeling. I used to live it. And now, i can barely remember what's it really like.. after all, its been almost a year *emo*

have you ever wondered why only sad people get support and love and care?

what about happy people? No one ever asked "how are you feeling really?" or "how have you been?"

No one will ever look at a smiling cheerful person and think " i wonder if he/she is really happy?"

how strange..

Its not about being the best or better than people

its about picking yourself up everytime you fall


its about appreciating what you've got

more lessons learned

its been a month and half since i been here.
here, i learned more than i have learned in the past 9months.

i have to learn to think differently. i have to change the way i think. the way i think, is very straight forward. to me, everything is either 1 or 0. there's no in between.
now i'm trying to accept that, just because a person isnt nice doesnt make him/her a bad person..
just because a person is wrong doesn't mean he/she isnt right..
not everything is right or wrong, true or false, yes or no...


i also experience what deadpan means. i'm not gonna elaborate on that. its a long story so.....

anyways, what i'm really feeling now is scared.
all my life, i'm around fun-loving people.. now i'm surrounded by serious people, whom i can't really understand.i don't understand because i've never been around people like that. i have never experienced being with people like that. it's a huge change for me.

all i hope is, i dont lose myself in the process of accepting these new group of people.
i hope i will still be the girl i am now. i hope i will still be able to laugh at everything including myself. i hope i can still be energetic and silly and weird and sometimes abit scary and doesnt make sense to anyone at all. because that's what makes me, me. if i'm not those, then i cant be yingyun anymore.

this one's for the girls - Martina Mcbride

This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holdin' back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This One's for the girls

at every ending...

there's always a new beginning...

~the end~

31 march 2009 - 7 october 2009

to: ying yun

dear ying yun,

how can you be so stupid? honestly, are you blind?
how can you not see the truth? do you need someone to actually write it down for you for you to realize that it's time?
it's already way past the expiry date, do you want to wait till the moss starts to grow and for it to rot so you can wake from your stupid slumber?

confused or blind?

I don't know
I don't know
I don't know

i'm confused
i don't know what i should do next
i don't know what is the right thing to do
i don't know which way i should go
i don't know what my heart is saying
i don't know what i want
i don't know whats best for me

but suddenly i realized..

i think i do know
but why am i not getting answers?
why am i as confused as ever?
why am i still feel like i'm stuck, not moving forward?

what if, the answers are just right there before me
what if, i just refused to see?
what if, i just refused to listen what is so obvious?

because the truth is so painful,
because it is easier to live a lie,
because it is easier to just pretend and go on like nothing's happened,
because i don't think i can handle the truth
because i don't think i have it in me to the right thing, to do what's best for me,
because i don't want to be lonely,
because i'm afraid i will regret,
because....


its much better and easier to pretend..
to pretend everything's still alright when its not
to pretend he still feels the same way when he doesn't anymore
to pretend we're right for each other
to pretend everything's gonna be alright in the end when its not
to pretend things are still the same
to pretend that it will go away if i shut my eyes and ears tightly enough
to pretend he still cares...


i can no longer tell right from wrong
i'm no longer strong
i'm vulnerable and it's all my own doing

i'm lost......

i believe~

i believe in second chances

i believe in miracles

i believe in God

i believe tomorrow will be a better day.. or even if itss not, someday it will be

i believe in happy endings

i believe in silver linings

i believe in you and me

"faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

and i'm holding on to that faith

whalesssss

so sad
so disappointed
so angry
so frustrated


"The minke's back arches as gracefully as a dolphin's, but it is not about to make a free dive. Instead it is the last struggle of a whale on the end of a Japanese harpoon line...."
http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2008/02/07/1202234066496.html

hmm.....and i thought.....

i love you

i love you..

please show me you're worth it..

please show me every tear i shed for you is worth it..

and show me that I'm worth it too

which one is more valuable?

a snake or a human?

what if its a precious snake? like an anaconda?
Would you save a human life by killing the snake?
obviously the answer from most people would be saving the human.
But, what about the snake? Is it not a life as well? Is it less valuable? Just because it can't talk or have fancy weapons to defend itself? is it not one of God's creation as well. and there are people who claim they are protecting wildlife and whatever endangered species. But when faced with such a choice..which would it be?

ugh..moths!

i do not like moths.

although they are not very nice looking compared to butterflies....

I really have nothing against their appearance.

If they did not bug me so much i won't mind their annoyingness.
And even though I understand its what they do as bugs, its their nature to bug people. And i understand that they are very har workers, but i do hope they will just sometimes get lazy and sleep around all day and not flying around annoying innocent people minding their own business!

And as if that's not annoyi8ng enough, they always find a need to panic whenever they think ttthey aere under attack. I mean, puh-lease..who or what animal in the right mind would want to eat them. yuck! I don't know about you guys out there but i really just want them to get out and leave me in peace.

but noooo.. they just have to get all panicky and start trashing aorund like its gonna help in any way. yeesh! why can't they just calmly fly away like normal things do?

so yeah that's the reason i dislike moths. blah!

decision

I have made a decision.

There are alot of things I'm confused and scared about, all the time, everyday.

I'm scared about making the wrong choices.
I'm scared that if I take Physio I will regret not taking Physics.
I'm scared that if I take Engineering I won't be able to cope.


But I realized that there are alot of ways to get to happily ever after.
I always thought there's just only one way.

seeing the future

sometimes, i wish i can see the future..
i'm not going into the seeing disaster and saving millions of life part..its too complicated

but i wish i could have saw simple things like whether the class is going to be canceled or not, or whether this school or college is good or bad..u know stuff like that

that way i don't have to rely on people telling(or not telling) me whether the class is canceled or not. that way i won't have to waste an hour waiting for the lecturer that won't show
that way i don't have to wake up early with a headache that's screaming for me to go back to sleep
that way i would have been able to book a ticket a day before since the lecturer won't be showing for the class
that way i won't have to be sitting here typing up this blog venting my feelings while i could have been fresh and studying as i would have slept until at least 9am

i mean, its not like i need the lecturers so much to be there for class
just don't schedule a class when you know you're gonna cancel it anyway

and i hope..that the tuition fees are not based on the number of classes planned
that way our tuition fees could at least be reduced to at least 3/4 of the amount

its that bad..

and what people say about time...they're right..
you can't buy(or pay) that

i just wanna say....after such a long post... that i'm very disappointed....and that....i hope there's a better place for me

ps, u dont have the right to screw me around like that

just so you know

i don't like it when people say "whatever" or "fine"
cuz its like you don't give a damn

sometimes i want to be wrong

sometimes all i want is for you to prove me wrong..

proudness =)

I'm so proud of my bro~

He's finally growing up! hahaha

today i didn't make my bed due to some laziness. and since my maid has gone back my mom specifically asked me to make the beds today. but me being the procastinator...did not :( which i'm not so proud.

but my proudness for my bro is enough to compensate this unproudness. hahaha
although he sis scolded me abit after making the beds. I'm still proud. ahahaha

contradicting myself...again

ok so i was thinking, people always tell you to never give up.

Like there's this very nice quote from someone " those who failed are those who did not know how close they were to suceeding when they gave up".

However, people also say that you should not be closed-minded and too persistent, cuz sometimes when you're so focused on something far away that you lose sight to what's right there in front of you.

Don't you think these two contradict each other?

Like maybe you suddenly think that : "oh i should try other stuff now that i think this one is not working." and someday you will look back thinking that, "oh what if I just persisted a bit longer, or tried just one more time maybe I would have suceeded."

of course, there are simple situations when these two are obviously different. Like a person who is good in and love math and physics won't take up biology as their main subject. I mean, can you imagine what its like if Einstein choose to be a doctor?

or when there isn't any other choice if you give up. Like when you're going for your driving's test. If you give up then you can't drive. plain as that. There is no if i give up driving maybe i can learn flying in a plane or something right?

those are simple. but since when everything in life are as stark as that?

most decisions in life are always a thin line between these two.

" God gave me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to tell the difference." Quoted from xxx( forgot her name)

well,obvioulsy i did not have the wisdom. lol

haha I'm confusing myself here. Maybe i should not study so much. Its making my brain go crazy. Normallywhen I don't study so much i think of normal stuff like what to eat for dinner, when to send down the laundry, when should i go back to penang.... you know, normal stuff.

so this is just my pre-exam stress. I'm absolutely normal. at least more normal than now.

my poor phone!

my poor phone is destroyed by a girl called afifah!



behold the butterfinger monster!


so sad!

although its not exactly my phone, its my mum's old phone cuz mine already rosak for a few months.


but that's not the point!

Nokia phones aren't supposed to break! they're suppose to function until the end of time


well actually its just the screen got cracked

i can stil call and sms( provided that i can type without looking)

haha but still...its kinda bad cuz i can't remember how many "down" and "ok" button i should press to set my phone into vibrating mode.

oh well, at least i'm going back today. or else afifah the butterfingers will have to buy me a new phone~ mwahahhaaha!

and she keep insisted there is some good that came out of it---> she made "someone" phone me. lols as if he would if i didnt ask him to. haha!!

yea and note to self: one day i should take a picture of her fingers. they are so freaky! got the buttoniere and clwaing.. clinical features of rheumatoid arthritis. so maybe i shud forgive her cuz i studied moral and i'm supposed to menghormati OKU ahahaha. oops kidding!

so not food crazy

yes i admit, i love to eat~
so that makes me a freaky piggy girl

However, today, although i will get to eat something nice, i found out i had to take a bus to go there!!
so i didnt go. although i so want to eat nice food there.

apparently,
my food-ish piggishness lost to my lazy-to-move piggishness.

so pathetic right... i think so too :(

so emoooooo -_-

heh sorry about the emo post before.....

Just because

Just because I look so cheerful and carefree doesnt mean I'm not crumbling down inside

Just because I said I dont mind doesnt mean its ok

Just because I dont cry doesnt mean it doesnt hurt

Just because you can't see it from the outside doesn't mean there is no wound that will never heal

Just because I laugh doesn't mean i'm happy..its just a mask



Its not easy. I have been hiding and pretending for so long






I'm so tired..






I want this to end... cuz i can't take it anymore

MAHSA life~

I just realized........

I haven't posted anything about MAHSA since i came here......

so today, since i'm quite freeeeeee i will post them..

why why tell me why

I trusted you....... and you made me cry :'(

i feel so betrayed and hurt and cheated and phobic


I just asked for 1 simple thing.....

and you had to add............


CILI PADI!!


and now... my lips look like the joker's lips.. i'm not exagerating!


and my tummy feels like..........





why did you do this to me???

how how?

"try your best"

this is what people tells you when you're feeling discouraged or not confident

so what if....


the best you can give is not good enough?

bahhhhh!

I'm feeling soooooooo

tired...........

depressed...............

stressed................


exams!! assignments!! ahh~!!!

and my lecturer said : " don't be stressed about exams. we have exam only because there is no other way to test your understanding of the subject."

Lol.. what a nice way to put it ya?

xxxxx

what do u do when someone you love scares the hell out of u..

first hands on experiece~

after four days having clinical placement in Lam wah ee hspital, i finally decide to blog about my experience

well, the first day was very boring as we(me n adrian) are still new and the physio there dare not let us do anything and all the patients are still not familliar with us. so i didnt do much except wander around and follow miss anne(the HOD of physiotherapy) around like her shadow and see how she treats and assess the patients. hehe

then the second day we're more familliar with the staff and soe of the in-patients we saw yesterday started to recognize us so they are more willing to talk us and trust us more~ hehe and we get to learn stuff we haven't learn in school. or different from school. hmm~

and right now is more like the patients who're teaching ( at least in my case cuz i still don't know anything) you'd be surprised how much the patients know.

but what i enjoy the most are those touching scenes i get to witness. like there's one i accidentally saw cuz i happened to be sitting there being bored. There's this lady who's a stroke patient and when she first got it she cant talk or walk. But now there is a big big improvement in her walking and she can talk abit abit. so when her sister came all the way from a far far away place, her sister tried to get her to say her name. and she did. her sister was so happy and dancing around and keep asking her to repeat. Its been so long she get to hear her sister say her name. and sudenly the lady said to her siser: wo ai ni ( i love you). gosh, i tell you i nearly cried. its so so touching. and i can really feel the shocked and happiness of the sister. its amazing..

ok there's still many many more but i'm abit lazy to type it here cuz this keyboard is tiring for me to type. haha. anyways, when they said this is a clinical placement, i expected to learn facts and methods of treatment and blah blah blah those we learn in school but applied on patients. i thought we will be taught by the physiotherapists there mostly. but what i didn't expect is i learned from the patients. I get to hear stuff from their points of view, how they feel about reatments..and of cuz the stories. they are older so they tend to have lots of nice stories and experience to share right?

so did i learn alot in this four days? yes. all about physiotherapy? not all. important? yes.
and its very unlikely that i ever forget since its my very first experience.

what went wrong?

it happens to all of us before..

u get a present, all nicely wrapped.. and u were so excited about opening the present.. so slowly u tear the tape, one by one......

and then when u see what's inside those beautiful wrappings, its not what u expected, its not what u want.. do u remember the disappointment? how ur face drops and ur smile disappears?

well, if things and objects have feelings..
just imagine how it would feel when it saw ur reaction..
how much it hurts when it realizes that its not what u actually want..


i never thought about it that way..
but right now, i know exactly how it would have felt..
and the hurt was worse than i ever imagined..

appreciation, people!

i just realized how lucky it is to be normal.

Apparently there are a lot of ways that can go wrong to a human body. not to mention accidents after you're born.

which is why we should be very grateful with what you already have. don't be too lazy to move or walk or stand. Be grateful how you can get up every morning without any pain or difficulties. or you can breath without tubes. eat and drink with ease...etc etc.

everyday things, small routined stuff we took for granted everyday, when there are less fortunate people who prayed and hoped everyday for that normality.

so promise me one thing, don't ever complain about anything anymore. when you should be saying "thank you" every second of your life.

Why does it always take pain or disasters to make us open our eyes to the miracles that have always been right before us but missed? why can't we just see all the small or big miracles that are happening around us almost every moment?

lalala~

me going back this thursday~ whee~ so happy! haha but for the wrong reason! why oh why do i have clinical placements instead of holidays??? why why tell me why~

oh well.. the main point is : i get to go back to penang! hahaha. then i dont have to eat the same food, at night only talk to the book and laptop and phone.. mwahaha

and my nice dad is coming to fetch me~ thanks so much~ hope come back KL also he can fetch me la :P so evil and greedy.

anyways, i have to do an assignment(essay again) about biopsychosocial model when i get back. ish ish. i don't know who is the genius who came up with this thing. way to go man. how can they use a model to represent all human beings? its just so.......generalized! and of course, giving us health care students trouble only. cis!

so u can say i'm not really looking forward to this placement. the actual thing is scary enough. i don't want to make mistakes or do something stupid and get blacklisted by all the hospitals! hmph. then i really have to go back to Engineering.But i don't want.. i enjoy studying physiotherapy, except the essay writing part.
and before going for the placement i have to get 6types of vaccination! means injectionS! ohno! i don't want to get 6shots at once, one is bad enough..

so anyways, i should stop complaining. who am i to complain so much? *beat myself lightly*


*looks around*


*crickets*


bah! i should go think of what to bring back to penang. *reminds myself to remember the onion hanging on the wall for 2weeks*

xxx

"As we grow up,
we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down...
probably will.
You will have your heart broken
probably more than once
and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too,
so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast
and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures,
laugh too much,
and love like you have never been hurt
because every sixty seconds you spend upset
is a minute of happiness you'll never get back."

got it from : http://www.scrapbook.com/quotes/doc/6987/71.html

wondering...

"They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them."

I don't understand this. if it takes an entire life to forget 1 person, does that mean there will only be 1 special person in your life? the others you meet after that doesn't count?

small collections~

~Faith is the substance of things hoped for. The evidence of things not seen.

" Monday's child is fair of face,
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe,
Thursday's child has far to go,
Friday's child is loving and giving,
Saturday's child works hard for its living,
But a child thats born on the Sabbath day,
is bonny and blythe, and good and gay."
This is a nursery rhyme. haha i know i know, i'm already almost 19 but its cute wat..
I'm a monday's child~ how bout u?

first weekend in MAHSA

oh-ho! i'm having my first weekend in Mahsa. Its abit weird cuz usually when i come back from Setapak to here, its sunday night or earliest is sunday evening. So i always have to prepare for classes tomorrow like reading up for the class on mondays, filling up the water bottle,cutting my nails(yes i have to cut them and they're even stricter than in pcghs.), putting out my uniform, adjusting my alarm clock........

but today, i keep having to remind myself that i dont have to lay out my uniform and all that stuff. But i did cut my nails and read up for my class and fill up the water bottle. And after doing that i have no idea what else i should do. so i slept awhile in the evening, watched a movie, write this blog..and try to imagine what i should do for tomorrow-which is nothing except studying :S
but usually when i'm in setapak i did nothing but sleeping and lazing around and disturb people. haha. so its the same. but at least there i will have company and my voicebox won't lose its function for lack of usage. hmmm~

and i'm starting to miss my Deary(haha ok i know its a very gross name, but i thought it sounds cute so...) already. how come i only get to see you for such a short time after such a long time. hmph. its not fair. And everytime we meet we will fight. and always about the same thing. i hate that i mind. i hate that i care. and i hate that i can't help it. i wish i could. i hope u dun mind.

oh well, there's this OSCE coming up next tuesday so i have to study. meaning i have something to do tomorrow. how sad is that? ish.

at least i have something to look forward to----going back to penang~~i mean i look forward to the non-clinical-placement part la. which is anytime excluding weekdays 8am-6pm! oh the torture~i will have to be stuck in the traffic jam again~ in my cutesy Myvi listening to Mamma Mia! soundtrack. haha~ so...Penang here i come~!!

whee hee~

yay~this is my "dont-know-how-many"th attempt to create a bloggie. I have commitment phobia haha. But this time i am determined to keep this blog up and alive~cuz now that i am going to use the laptop more.. its easier for me to type rather than write in my diary. of cuz~no too private thoughts will be put here la but still.. most of my thoughts can be shared la~ hee see im so sharing :P

anyways, this is about my 2nd month here in MAHSA. and 3rd month in KL. I was in UTAR for my 1st month doing Mechatronics Engineering then i decided i want to be a physiotherapy so here i am~ in case anyone is wondering.. MAHSA stands for Malaysian Allied Health Science A(something i forgot d). and its in Petaling Jaya

So now, after doing a year of physics and Maths and Mechanics and Chemistry last year.......here i am studying human anatomy! absolutely nothing that i studied last year is applied here. I've been wondering why MAHSA accepted me using my Alevels since its not at all related and im starting from scratch. oh well, at least that part of my brain for anatomy knowledge is completely blank, i can absorb quite fast. like a dry sponge absorb more water than a wet sponge, you know? same theory i guess? haha. or maybe its just interesting.. i mean, its muscles and bones and nerves.. and i get to grab some guy's ass without getting sued for sexual assault. ha! i'm not a crazy "hamsap po" k, i'm just being PROFESSIONAL~ hahaha

well its nothing much here la. same room, same food, same classroom, same gym everyday.. same feelings. missing my family, missing my frens, missing my penang, missing my dear dimsum, missing everything of my old carefree life..

hmmmmm it really can be lonely here. Especially when i see a family sitting together having dinner, or when i see couples holding hands and talking,or a group of friends laughing and talking so loudly that everyone around them gets irritated but they don't care anyway. and i'm just there alone. And i wonder if they know how lucky they are, if they truly appreciate and savour every moment of that time..

haha ok this is just really long for a first post. i'm gonna stop here now and continue next time~ byeeeeeee!!